Have you ever thought that your workplace seems a lot like a dysfunctional family? Well...it may not be your imagination. Sylvia Lafair, Ph.D, President of consulting firm Creative Energy Options, says that the dynamics of family interaction translate to the workplace--and affect our options and opportunities. Her new book, Don't Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success (Jossey-Bass, March 2009), provides a glimpse into destructive behavior that can limit our ability to achieve career goals. The family therapist also offers tips for mining our own family history for clues that can lead to personal and professional breakthroughs.
Here's what Sylvia has to say about work, families, and success:
Sam Greengard: Where did the idea for “Don’t bring It to Work” come from?
Sylvia Lafair: It was one of those “Aha” moments when two non-related ideas connect and suddenly all kinds of possibilities open up. I had been working as a family therapist and a friend asked me to work with his senior leadership team. They were, he said “backbiting and fighting, just like a family.” So I began to think about what was at the core of his request. And the “Aha” happened. Families are connected through genetics, the work world through economics. Both genetics and economics are deep drivers of behavior. My results from working with this leadership team were striking. They started to cooperate and soon had more contracts than they ever believed possible. That led to my career shift into the world of work and eventually writing this book.
SG: What is the social cost for bad behavior in the workplace?
SL: Ongoing conflict, the key consequence of bad behavior in the workplace has a huge cost. Negativity and tension, turf wars, inequities, gossip, rumors cost companies in lost production, absenteeism, health issues and legal issues. Studies have shown that Fortune 500 HR executives spend up to one-fifth of their time dealing with litigation activities and personnel issues. A whopping 93 per cent of workers report being “negatively affected by their inability to deal with conflict on the job and 69 percent avoid confronting co-workers on issues of accountability. According to many studies, stress is mostly created by a conflict-ridden environment.
SG: What are some of the most common interpersonal problems people have at work?
SL: Power dynamics cause tremendous interpersonal problems. For example, super achievers, determined to be number one, throw their colleagues “under the bus” and create an atmosphere of mistrust that, like a virus, impacts everyone. Then there is the persecutor, often called the bully, who demands their way and intimidates others who feel like poor-me victims. Get a persecutor and victim together in the work place and you will always find “ta-da,” the rescuer out to protect the victim. They dig in their heels and play their roles so well that by the end of the day no real work gets done. Another common issue concerns inclusion and exclusion, what today is called “micro-inequities.” This is where the rebel has a field day and law suits eat up time and money.
SG: Where do these problems originate? How does family history enter into the picture?
SL: The original organization we all unknowingly join is the family. This is where we learned how to get along, who is there to watch our back, what it means to tell the truth (or not), and how to handle conflict. We bring what we learned there into our present organization, the workplace. As adults while we can behave in mature, reasonable ways much of the time, when anxiety escalates, as it is doing in these days of economically induced stress, there is a natural tendency to react based on our earlier childhood behaviors that helped us survive.
SG: What is the fallout of this conflict and dysfunctional behavior? How does it affect work and careers?
SL: When extreme stress causes us to behave in patterned knee-jerk ways it has a viral effect. Just like a computer virus can shut down a whole company, behaving in protective ways to stave off fear and ridicule stops productive work from getting done. We become the children we once were. How we responded at the kitchen table is how we respond at the meeting table. Then careers are derailed and disputes lead to relationship disengagement. We stop talking to each other in honest, helpful ways, office politics abound, and we spend our efforts fighting invisible dragons of the past.
SG: How can a person recognize what he or she needs to do to change?
SL: First, it is an illusion to think that you can separate who you are at work from who you are at home. Next, it is critical to pay attention to those people and situations that trigger high level emotional reactions. Then you can begin to connect the dots. It is always easier to recognize bad behavior in others, so start there. You know the type, the guy who always puts you down and reminds you of your brother, the gal who complains she does all the work and often sits staring into space like your sister, the boss who never gives you credit just like your dad. Go ahead, see them as the culprit! Notice your reactions to their nasty ways. Then stop!! This is where the rubber meets the road. It is time for you to observe and understand the role you play in reaction to others. Only now are you ready to make important changes.
SG: What steps can a person take to escape the gravitational pull of bad behavior and all the ensuing problems?
SL: In my book “Don’t Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success,” I describe the 13 most common patterns that cause difficulties in the workplace. We all have an intuitive sense of which patterns trigger us and which ones we use that trigger others. Then it is important to explore how these patterns were used to help maintain family stability. Even in the most difficult family systems there is always a desire to find a way to function and balance out what is not working well. It is very eye opening to get a snapshot of how each of us fulfills a specific place to keep family stability. The book offers a step by step method to do your own “Sankofa Map.” This is a map of your family history that is not just for factual information. It is meant to gain a clearer understanding of the rules and roles that lead to present behavior patterns. The word “Sankofa” means “clear the past to free the present,” and that is what this exercise is all about. Then, there is the hard yet gratifying work of transforming the patterns from childhood. For example, rebels become community builders who, rather than divide and conquer, use their skills to bring colleagues together. Persecutors become visionaries who, rather than pointing a finger at someone to blame, points upward toward the future, exploring possibilities. Avoiders become initiators who, rather than running from conflict call people together to settle differences. These changes are profound and make the workplace an exciting, collaborative, creative arena for growth and heath.
SG: Is it really possible to make significant changes? For workers age 50 plus – who are often set in their ways – what else would you recommend?
SL: Some of the most exciting modern research in the area of neuroscience indicates there is remarkable plasticity in the workings of the brain and continued positive changes as long as we live. Therefore, the answer to you question about change being possible is a resounding “Yes!” I have found that once core truths are uncovered, people are excited about the task of deep, life enhancing change. The CEO of a company joined our leadership program where we teach the methods now available in my book. He realized how much his staff feared him and was able to talk about his pattern as a persecutor. Once he realized how he came to this role from his childhood he began to take steps to become a visionary. Eventually he was able to talk about a previously untouchable subject, secession planning. He helped the heir apparent learn the ropes to take over the company and returned to school to get his masters degree in English. What’s fascinating is that he started this process at the age of 74 and received a standing ovation at his graduation ceremony when he was 78.
I really want to encourage the 50 plus crowd to plunge into the work of Sankofa mapping. Once the patterns of the past move from invisible to visible there is vibrancy that makes relationships both at work and home more creative and fulfilling. Better yet, there is a powerful legacy component. The most important beneficiaries are the ensuing generations. We know that modeling positive, healthy behavior is an important aspect of leadership and what better gift to give to our biological children, grandchildren, and work colleagues than the gift of our authentic selves.
SG: How can these methods help in our confusing economic environment?
SL: This present time of economically induced stress makes the methods I discuss critically important. It can be summed up by explaining the Sankofa bird icon. It is a simple yet powerful image to keep in mind. This mythological bird stands with its feet facing front, ready to move forward while picking up an egg from its back. The egg represents the delicate life force left in the past ready to be utilized in the present. So in doing the important Sankofa mapping work please remember: look back, learn, move forward. We cannot afford to think in terms of just survival any more. It keeps us stuck in fear and territoriality. This is an era to become pattern aware and find innovative solutions rather than do what we have always done. We are meant to move beyond survival of the fittest so that we can all survive and be fit!
Recent Comments