As I've mentioned before, changing careers isn't a solitary endeavor. It can affect family, friends, and others within a professional and social circle. Navigating these changes can prove daunting. If you're thinking about recareering, here are some insights from my friend and writing colleague, Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (aka "Dr. Romance"). She's a psychotherapist and author of "The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You're Far Apart" (Adams Media 2008). Tina also has an excellent blog, http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/. But before you skip over there, check out her comments on how you can better find the work you love without your love life going haywire:
Sam Greengard: What are the biggest relationship challenges for those looking to change careers?
Tina Tessina: Changes in careers often involve other changes that affect relationships and family. For example, the marriage or the whole family might have to tighten their belts if the major breadwinner decides to go back to school, and that person's time will be more limited to spend with partner and/or children. Or, a change in career might involve a major change in lifestyle. For example, perhaps you're a computer programmer, and you've always yearned to be an organic farmer. A change of that magnitude involves living in a new location, and a totally different lifestyle. So relationships can definitely be impacted in a major way. The biggest challenge is negotiating those changes, especially the transition period, which can be the roughest time (while you're still doing your old job, and training or preparing for the new one.) Couples need to know how to negotiate financial changes, time schedule changes, and changes in lifestyle, home location, and attitude.
SG: What type of discussion and communication is required with a partner and/or family for recareerers?
TT: A series of discussions and negotiations is required all along the way. In the initial, dreaming stage, it's important to let your partner in on the dreams. "Ya know, hon, I keep wondering what life would be like if I could be a teacher/doctor/paleontologist/race car driver" If your partner can dream along with you, the subsequent stages of change will be easier. The worst thing to do is spend months or years silently dreaming until you're ready make the change, and then spring it on your partner, expecting the partner to just jump on your bandwagon. You need to bring your partner along throughout your entire process. If you get a negative reaction, that's important information -- you two will need to negotiate about it.
When your plans become more concrete, your partner should be part of the planning. If you need to go back to school, or make some drastic changes in income or where you live, your partner will be affected. You're more likely to get cooperation if your partner knows how important this is to you, and that your partner's happiness is important, too. Having many small discussions throughout your planning and learning process avoids big, dramatic blowouts later.
SG: What should someone do if he/she has spouse that is adamant about a partner not making a change? Is there any way to resolve this kind of conflict?
TT: Couples become polarized when either one or both of them are worried that their wants aren't being considered. There are lots of ways to renegotiate these conflicts, to broaden the picture and take in everyone's wants and needs. It's easy to shut down out of fear that you won't get what you want. The solution is to listen to each other, and understand what the problems are. If you can stay calm and do that, most of the problems can be solved. In my book The Commuter Marriage, I have many exercises and scenarios where couples negotiate the sticky problems of major changes in career, both wanted and unwanted.
SG: How can a change in income affect a relationship? What relationship strategies do you suggest for those who might confront money issues during a career change? In other words, what types of discussions should people be having?
TT: Change in income can be a pretty drastic difference. It may necessitate a stay-home spouse going to work, or using up funds such as retirement savings or house equity. These can be scary moves, and create a lot of resistance from your partner. The resistance then creates a backlash "I'm doing it whether you like it or not" reaction, which is very damaging to a partnership. Instead, the partner who wants to make the change needs to understand his or her partner's fears and concerns, and deal with them. Most of the time, the fears are resolvable with discussion and planning. Counseling may be helpful if you're unable to talk calmly about this issue, or if you have gotten into a struggle or a polarized position with your partner.
SG: Are there any other issues or considerations?
TT: The idea of Finding the Work You Love is very attractive, and scary at the same time. Your partner may not see the benefits to all the change you're initiating, so a lot of mutual talking and discussion will be really helpful. Try not to be blinded by your own excitement and fear. If you have a mentor or coach for the change, sit down with that advisor and take a rational look at the benefits and costs of the change; for you and for your partner. If your change requires a move, you'll not only be losing your familiar home, but all the friends and friendly places that surround it. Changes like these are best negotiated in stages, taking time to get familiar with the new place, so it won't seem so drastic when it happens. When you devote a lot of time to new classes, training or development, that time usually is taken away from your relationship. If you want your partner to be as excited as you are, consider these issues, and make sure there's some benefit in the mix for your spouse.
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